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January 20, 2015

"For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be an actress and performer.  When I was 5 years old, I would pretend to be Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz or Annie.  Whatever role I chose to be really depended on the day and what songs I felt like singing.  I'd serenade anyone who would listen, and share with them my decision of the day.

At some point, something happened and I got away from that dream.  Briefly in middle school, I went back to it.  After that, it took many years before it bubbled up to the surface again.  I was in my mid twenties, and I decided then that acting and performing was what I wanted to do for a living.  So I went after it with my whole heart.  Never before had I pursued a dream in this way.  Everything else in my life took a back seat to this goal.

I believed that it could happen.  That it would happen.  I believed acting and performing was my purpose and the reason I was born.  When I gained more confidence in this craft, I decided to move to LA.  How could I want to pursue this as a career and not be in LA?

When I arrived in LA, I got a HUGE reality check and wake up call.  There were many good looking, seemingly opened doors that closed almost immediately when I tried to walk through.  My journey in LA took several unexpected turns.  That's when God led me back to writing.  I remember writing as a child.  I'd write stories and chapter books and share them with my peers.  I'd always been a pretty good writer, but I never had any thoughts on going down that path.

I started to blog, and fell in love with writing all over again.  Though I experienced this, I continued praying for acting, not yet realizing my potential call for writing.  It wasn't until God called us back to Austin and a series of things happened-- we slept in our car for 7 days, I lost my Dad, etc.-- that I acknowledge God's calling for me to write a book about our LA experience.

I finished that book, and felt like I'd experienced healing through writing it.  All these sign and I never recognized what God was calling me to do.

Honestly, I felt sad, bitter, and like I was missing out on my dream.  I felt like God had taken something way from me by not blessing me in my acting.  But God wanted so much more for me.  He had a plan for me from the beginning.  He created me to write for His glory.  I was a good actress.  I'd even stretch as far to say that I was a pretty great actress, and I did love it.  I have many fond memories of acting.  But it was not God's very best for me.

It's like my first love vs. my husband.  Sure, I was sad when he broke my heart, and thought my world was over.  I couldn't see how life could get any better.  And yes, today, I can say that I have fond memories of some of the times I spent with my first love.  But God had another plan for me.  He chose Marcus just for me, and through our union, He has blessed me far more.

I was on hold for a long time, holding on to the past with my acting dream.  It was not until I let go, and trusted God that He was able to move.  I had to accept the truth and let go of the lie I believed for so long. I had to believe that God was for me, and He wants my success.  He wants me to walk in purpose.  My job was to believe in Him and his promises, decide to follow His will and the purpose He called me to, then walk in that purpose.

PAG